Love and life 2008

2008 has been interesting. I've had some up's and down but mostly up's.

I have enjoyed being a single mom but was lucky enough to find love ...true love , this year.
I wasn't looking and didn't expect it but was happy to have found it.
It amazes me how someone who has never been around kids can openly accept one in their life and take on the role of being a parent with relative ease (he calls her a 'bonus'). Sure there are going to be up's and down's and trial and error with way's of handling things but that is just life in general. You are never prepared to be parent and every day there is something new, whether it is a challege or something amazing. I have never been so happy and can't imagine things getting any better than they already are.
Happy New Year Everyone, hope 2009 treats you all well.

Portland makes history

For the first time in 40  years Portland has had a record snow fall. We have snow on top of ice on top of snow ect. I have been at home with Molly because her daycare is closed and my sister was working and my parents flight didn't make it in on Sunday due to weather. 

Jim has been at work since 7:30am and isn't coming home til 7:30pm. The fact that the department of transportation is saying "STAY OFF THE ROADS!" and certain roads are closed doesn't make me happy that he has to drive home from Tualatin tonight.

Molly and I took a couple adventure walks today. The first one with the dog and she loves the snow. The second one to get some of the kids energy out.

Here are some pics....

It's going to be a roller coaster..

So we haven't exactly been sticking to the diet lately, haven't been HORRIBLE but haven't been great.
Somehow I managed to lose the one pound I gained over Thanksgiving so I am at my pre-holiday weight....not for long. My parents arrive from Boston on Sunday and it will be all down hill from there.
I love holiday cookie baking with Molly and usually end up eating most of what we bake (who can resist a frosting covered sugar cookie? NOT ME) So I will do my best to not over eat and will start fresh in 2009.
Have a great Christmas/holiday and a Happy New Year!

Couldn't have asked for a better weekend.....

The beginning of the weekend was a little rough, Molly's dance recital was Saturday morning then we had to go get the house ready for the tree. The minute we stepped out of the car at the tree farm it vastly improved.

This was our first Christmas together picking out a tree, we went to a tree farm and cut one down. I haven't done that since Molly was little (well, 2, she still is little). THE best part was Santa. I don't think I have ever seen such a smile on Molly's face.

Today, Sunday. I has been snowing since about 8:30am and is supposed to continue until about 7pm tonight. My niece Lilah came over and we all went to Laurelhurst park and went sledding. It has been a perfect day.

What do you say?

So we were Christmas shopping on Saturday and driving back from Clackamas. Molly is talking about babies in the back and 'would she get to hold it' when she was 10 if I were to have a baby(not happening anytime soon so she will probabaly BE 10 before she'd get to hold 'it' anyway) Then out of no-where she said "By the way mommy....how are babies made?" my answer "I am not prepared to answer that at this time, I'll get back to you".
I was not expecting that nor was I prepared to answer it.
On a different note, my weight stayed the same, if you want to see a chart look below.

Thanksgiving 2008

One holiday down, one to go. I always forget how much I love Thanksgiving until the food is right in front of me. This year we had Turkey, Ham, a butternut squash dish(with bacon and leeks in it I make it every year), 24 hour salad(my family tradition), potatoes, and the rest of the normal Thanks giving feast food.

We had a mini Christmas there since we will not see Jim's mom during the hoidays. Christmas this year is with my family. In all we had a good time, went to Crater Lake (I have lived in Oregon for 20 years and have never been there so that was exciting for me)
The BEST part of this whole thing? I only gained 1 pound!!!!!!

Holiday Stress...

For some people the holidays are fun, for me it is the beginning of stress. I don't know why but every year I feel like crawling in a hole and not coming out until after January 1st.
This year I am making some food for Thanksgiving and driving to southern Oregon to spend it with Jim's mom. This is Molly's first Thanksgiving away from my family and my first holiday away from family in over 10 years.
I am excited to get away but the thought of coming back, having to work and having less than a month to purchase presents and prepare myself for Christmas and MY parents coming here...I think I might go crazy.

Thinner me...

2 more pounds this week. I have hit a weight I haven't been at in years.

Promise to myself

I have struggled with my weight my entire life....well at first it wasn't my struggle, it was my mothers. I was always told in no uncertain terms that I was fat. When I was in 8th grade my mom brought me to the doctor and had her put me on a diet, it was the "Slender" diet (now slimfast). I ate a tiny cube of meat and veggies with dinner while my entire family sat there and ate big thick steaks and baked potatoes. There were always chips and jellybeans "hidden" in the house, by hidden I mean in plain view. It wasn't easy being on a diet when no-one else was. School was the worst, I had to bring a canned shake in a paper bag and drink it away from my friends then go join them and eat an orange, it was humiliating.
I didn't always think I was fat but because I was told so, I believed it. I have been on almost every diet...Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, Adkins (momentarily), LA and every time I stop them I get bigger.
This time will be different for me. It is nice having someone there to support you and tell you the cookie dough you really want isn't good for you (duh that's why I want it!), it's nice to have someone to share the cooking duties with on a nightly basis and discover new foods together.
I only lost one pound this week, but it is one pound closer to being a weight I haven't been in years and I am very proud of myself.
My promise is, I will never let myself get back to the weight I came from. I will do this for myself, my health and for my daughter. I want to be around when she is older.

Halloween 2008

This year Halloween was the best ever for Molly. We started out the night at her friends house at a kid/parent party...it was great for her not so exciting for Jim and I. The party was eh, the kids were having fun. They were all upstairs having a single pillow-pillow fight, apparently it was fun.

After the kids bobbed for apples we went around the neighborhood trick-or-treating the kids were all at full throttle and raring to go. My niece joined us, she was a cowboy..much different from Molly, she was the darkest thing that she has ever been.....what happened to my Cinderella?

Safe for another week

I get scared when I go to step on the scale. I weigh myself on Thursday except this week I stepped on the scale yesterday for curiosity, I had lost 3 pounds...Yay me! I got on the scale this morning for a proper weigh in thinking I would gain a pound or 2 and lost another .5 for that makes 3.5 pounds since last week.
I have 3 pounds to lose before I am at a weight I haven't been in years. Let's hope this next week is a good one.

stupid scale

I am not happy to write this, but I gained 3 pounds...maybe I will do better next week.

I love the fall

I grew up near Boston and my favorite time of the year is fall.

I love the crispness in the air, the cold mornings and the smell of wood burning in a fireplace.

The best part about living back east was the fall foliage, yes everywhere you go the leaves change color but there's nothing like driving around New Hampshire and Maine on a cool crisp day and looking around.

This past weekend we had a day kind of like that and we went to the duck pond in Sellwood and fed the ducks and geese. I have to admit I had a good time.

Pumpkin patch

Saturday morning we got up and decided to drive to Sauvie Island to go to a pumpkin patch. We ended up at one that had a Corn Maze that we let Molly navigate through, it took us an hour but it was worth it, we all had a good time.

They had ALOT of really yummy looking food but we only had corn on the cob. We took a hay ride to the pumpkin patch part and then we were off. 

Proud of myself...

So I have been dieting since sometime in August, I have had a few rough weeks but for the most part have lost weight steadily. This week, I lost 2 pounds which puts me at a total of 14 pounds lost. Yay me!

My plague is going away...

I am still sick but I am at work today. I have had this crud for a week now and it doesn't feel like it is going to completely go away.
Molly is better which is good, she went apple picking with my sister and niece yesterday. It's always better when the kid is better first, now I can really focus on getting myself better.

If it doesn't go away soon, I am going to have to get one of these.

Another week....another

4 pounds!!!!!!!! I really don't know how. That is the most in one week since we started eating better That makes 12 pounds total for me which is great.
This time I don't feel like I am on a diet, we are just eating better and less of what we do eat. It has made it easier, yes, I do have bad moments (in fact I might even make brownies today.....) But for the most part it has gone well.
Eventually I will post the graph with this, but I am never successful with it when I try on my own.

Have a good week......

Sister's, sister's there were never such devoted sister's.......

It is with a very sad heart that I have to accept the fact that my sister Barbara is moving to Delaware.
I moved to Oregon in 1989 when I came out here and went to Linfield. Barb was at Univeristy of Colorado in Boulder at that time, we talked almost every day by pay phone (before the time when everyone had cell phones, honestly don't know how we survived).
About 15 years ago she moved to Oregon with her then boyfriend and my nephew...it was nice to finally have family here. Barb and I have been through alot together, she helped me through bad relationships and gave me a place to live, and most recently helped me the most when I was going through my divorce.
My ex was horrible, he spent most of the time while I was working sleeping, that meant my daughter had to basically take care of her self while I was away (she wasn't even 3)...I couldn't take it so I asked for help. Barb stepped up, she took Molly every weekend, for 8-9 hours while I worked and picked her up almost everyday from day care until I got home, I really do not know what I would have done without here.
In the last couple of years Barb met someone else whom she fell in love with and married. He is a really great guy and has been really good for her. Well, he got a new job in Pennsylvania, close enough to Delaware, so that is where they are moving.
I cannot even talk about, yet alone write about her moving with out crying. I really do not know what I would have done with out her over the last several years.
She said that if I still needed her this decision would have been more difficult, but because I have found my happiness and do not need her anymore, she can move on.

I will miss you more that you know Barb....I love you.

Phew....stayed the same.

I was a little nervous getting on the scale this morning because I didn't exactly do a great job this week. Things have been bothering me and I just wanted to eat bad things. I tried the 100 calorie packs to ward off my sweet tooth, and it worked....to an extent.
Didn't gain...but didn't lose.

Straight from a 7 year old

We went out to The Original Pancake House for breakfast this morning.... so good. Molly had a bacon pancake (6 buttermilk pancakes with bacon sprinkled on top of them while cooking) no this place is not diet friendly but very good. She didn't like it very much and ended up eating our eggs and ham, she looked at Jim and said "sorry I am wasting your money", I gave her a hug, what seven year old thinks that way?! On our way home we decided to drive a different way home to get a new view of the city.

On the other side of the Sellwood Bridge there is a exotic dancer club  and when I saw it I said "boobies" and there was  a comment (under his breath) about liking boobies well apparently my daughter has sonic hearing and she said "just pull your shirt down mommy"....  there was dead silence in the car then laughter.

 Sometimes it shocks me what comes out of her mouth, she says the funniest things sometimes and I just wonder where she got them from. I have used a great deal of self control since she was born editing myself so she doesn't say something that obviously would have come from me....must be school, yah, I will blame it on that.

Here we go.....

I have been through a lot over the last few years and unfortunately I am a stress eater so I have packed on the pounds. With the help of Jim, I am trying to lose weight. I have been successful in the last few weeks and I know that I will continue.
Maybe publishing my weight loss for everyone to see will inspire me more... it's always nice to have support.

Get your own graph at skinnyr

Court

Today I went to court for my child suport hearing. My ex-husband has never paid child support since I filed for it in December of 2005.

We met in court, he had a state appointed attorney and I had the DA working with me. He claims that he cannot work due to "past issues" including post traumtic stress, bipolar, anger issues, psoriasis and ingrown toenails (really? who knew).
So we stated our case the fact that he, during my 6 horrible years that I was with him, did indeed have issues and worked at the same time. He didn't work during the entire relationship, I was the sole support, but he was still capable of working. He has drug and alochol issues as well that he went to treament for during our relationship and MY family pd $10,000 for him to go to inpatient treatment which only lasted for 8 months then he went back to using. We paid for him to get his GED and he didn't complete the classes and we supported him during his 'non working' times.
How do I get paid back for supporting a complete asshole (my bad too) for that long? He isn't held in contempt of court for not showing up to a hearing and unless he wins the lottery, gets a legit job, or inherits money (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) my daughter will never see a penny of support from him.
I personally don't want or need his money, I wish that I didn't have to ever deal with him again. He hasn't visited her since 12/10/2007 and the only time since then he has spoken to her was on her birthday( in May) and she didn't even know who he was, she had to ask.

It nice to see our judicial system at it's best. When are deadbeat loser dad's really going to be held accountable!?

Another day....

Another interview. This is the second time I have applied for this position. The first time they told me I was the "second" choice and gave me some advice on improvments (need to learn to talk about myself more).I feel I talk about myself alot but probably not in the way they were wanting.
I think this time it went really well, I answered the 'personal' question well, I think. They said they will know by the end of the week.
Crossing my fingers but not overly confident. I just got rejected 2 weeks ago so I am still a little bruised.

OH WELL

I applied for a new position at work 3 weeks ago. I just heard today that they are offering it to someone else.
It has been an emotional week for me anyway that this just added to my load of crap.

Stuck in the crap job that much longer! Yay!

Something will come up though....hopefully soon.

Traumatized

So my beautiful little 7 year old started 2nd grade today. She has been at a semi-private school for 4 years now and this year is starting public school.
I got time off of work this morning to drop her off, things went fine. She looked terrified, she doesn't know anyone (neither do I for that matter). I walked her into her classroom, she met some little girls and boys there and her teacher then I had to leave. We said our goodbyes and love you's and as I walked out I broke down crying. I didn't realize how hard it would be for me. I guess I have kept her in a protective bubble since my divorce and now we are starting to branch out. I know it is good for her and for me but tht doesn't make it any easier. We told her she needed to remember what she did today so we didn't get the "I don't remember" answer when she gets home.

We'll see how things went later!

annoyed

It's bad enough that I work in customer service and despise my job right now. But when you get an email that says "BOCCE TIME" and you have to sit and work............

.....something to think about

You cannot get ahead while you are getting even."

I love my job I love my job

You know, customer service isn't the greatest job in the world but really do people really need to call you names? Is it my fault your a fucking idiot and can't identify yourself? I have always said that it must make people feel REALLY good to call rep's name when they call the local utility.
This "guy" , and I use that term loosely, call tonight. All I was trying to do was find out who the fuck he was so I could give him his account information.....he called me a "scabby fucking cunt" and I hung up on him...then he had the nerve to call back and ask to talk to me..I kindly refused and the other rep didn't understand. When I told him what he called me he said "Hey quiet, you know these calls are recorded" I said "Yah, and it was recorded when he said it too so I don't care"

Firehouse Lyrics- Yes I am an 80's geek

"I guess the time was right for us to say
We'd take our time and live our lives
Together day by day
We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer
We know our dreams can all come true
With love that we can share
With you I never wonder--will you be there for me
With you I never wonder--you're the right one for me
I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heartI finally found the love of a lifetime
With every kiss, our love is like brand-new
And every star up in the sky
Was made for me and you
Still we both know that the road is long
We know that we will be together
Because our love is strong
I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heartI finally found the love of a lifetime

Leave well enough alone.....

I remember the day I found out I was divorced January 10th 2007....I filed for separation 12/2005 so it was a long process that took a lot out of me emotionally. Emotionally only because of my daughter, I didn't want anything to happen to her and I didn't want him to get her.
Divorce should be a time of rejoice and celebration that you get to start off a new life without the person that you obviously were not supposed to be with.

SO WHY CAN'T SOME PEOPLE JUST MOVE ON!

My ex tormented me for MONTHS, 100 phone calls a day (literally) yelling at me for various things, wanting money b/c he didn't have a job and somehow felt that I should still be supporting him.....um, get a job fucker. Our whole marriage was based on feelings that, looking back, were false. I believe that I married him because we had a daughter together and growing up, that was the right thing to do. I settled, I shouldn't have...no-one ever should. Especially when it come to love. You can have relationships, but you shouldn't get married unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the person for you.

So with that, if you are divorced, even if the person hurt you in some way......take this as an opportunity to MOVE ON and get over that person....go out and find THE ONE you are supposed to be with....your true love....not the one you settled for.

good day-

?

when?

SCARY

So yesterday morning I was getting ready for work, I was in the bathroom, my daughter was on her bed (across from the bathroom) and my boyfriends dog (pittbull mix) was behind me.
I realized I heard the dog growling and looking at my daughter....I went into my daughters room to see if there was something she may have been teasing her with and the dog jumped up on my daughters bed and poked her really hard in the face with her nose, then continued to lunge at her again.
I grabbed the dog and pinned her down ( I was naked, had just gotten out of the shower) and held her there, yelled at her and made sure my daughter was ok. This pretty much ruined my entire day, I was scared, I know how much my boyfriend loves his dog, I love her too and my daughter would be devistated if we had to get rid of her (she and I lost our dog to cancer in november). All i could think about all day was what we were going to do when we got home, I was afraid my daughter would be ultra cautious of the dog and not want to be around her, my boyfriend said he was willing to give up the dog but I know that would kill him, he loves her alot.

Things went well when we got home, until this morning when my daughter went to feed the dog, then it almost happened again but was stopped because he and I were right there and the dog got pinned again, this time by him. Turns out she is becoming food agressive so now we have to work with the dog and my daughter so my daughter isn't seen as a threat to the food.
I am glad we figured it out but it still scares me. I have never had a dog that is that way, it's just strange to me.

So True

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint... it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K -I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Nervous

I am meeting my new boyfriends mom this weekend and I am scared. I just want her to like me because I really like him. I know it won't be a big deal and once I get there I will be fine. You'd think that once you were 37 years old meeting someones parents would be easier.....

I feel like such a bitch

So what do you do: You are in a job that you dispise, but you have a decent work schedule and you have weekends off. Previously your significant other didn't have the same work schedule as you and there were many boring nights and weekends......understandably a new job would be GREAT, there is no doubt about that but what if you were putting yourself back in the situation you were in before? Do you want to sacrifice time with the one that you like being with, your weekends, your not being alone for a different job? I am having a hard time understanding that. I am miserable too, but I like the weekends.....those are the best times.

Finally

I met someone last year.

Since I kicked my ex-husband out in 2005, my focus has been my daughter. For years her life had no schedule, mommy worked, daddy stayed home and watched tv with her. The worst part is that I would call home at night and ask my daughter "what is daddy doing" she would say "outside smoking", he never entertained her, she was bored and I felt guilty. My ex has supervised visitation one day a week....he hasn't seen my daughter in more than 4 months I tried to contact him out of guilt that she hadn't spoken to him and I got sworn at and I hung up....I tried....I will try no more. I made drastic changes in my life to improve her life and it has worked out....never been happier.

I never thought it was possible to meet someone at work that totally rocks your world, but I did. Can't give too many details, don't really want to and right now some things are a little complicated but I know that I will be with him for a very long time...I really believe that we were meant to be together, I have never felt so connected with anyone in my life. He has accepted my daughter and I without any hesitation. He is amazing, probably the most amazing man I have ever met. He treats me with love and respect and treats my daughter like she deserves to be treated. She LOVES him and so do I.

Because of my past relationships I feel like I hover sometimes and I am so afraid of scaring him away, or rather pushing him away. It's hard for me to express and talk about things that happened, fears I have, but I know I need to.....